what i am to you is not what you mean to me (now)

there are a lot of things that i noticed today such as a poor cover of robert smith's wedding present to his wife in the song "lovesong" while i sat in my oral surgeon's office; that my hairdresser's new place of business is where he wrapped his arms around me and held me so close until i couldn't breathe in the best of ways; it's getting to that time of year where i bundle up and listen to slow songs while i kick up the leaves on the ground; and that today it smelled like the most perfect autumn day anyone could ever ask for. i walked back in time today and at my first glimpse of it i turned right round and planted my feet firmly here. i am in the biggest rut i have ever been in and ,though it is awfully awful, i refuse to go back to whatever place that was so long ago; that place where i am wishing to be someone who was and perhaps never really was all that magical like i hype it up to be.

it is usually when the sky darkens earlier that i question why it is my mind darkens so and how this self is constructed the way it is. what is my self doing and saying to me?

the list: (autumnal songs that can be appreciated well past autumn)
arctic monkeys--only ones who know
au revoir simone-- stay golden
damien rice- delicate AND volcano
editors-- fall
elliott smith-- twilight
emily haines and the soft skeleton-- crowd surf off a cliff
interpol-- untitled
kate nash-- little red
the maccabees-- toothpaste kisses
mates of state-- these days
she & him-- take it back
the shins-- new slang
shout out louds-- oh, sweetheart
sondre lerche-- track you down
stars-- calendar girl
tegan and sara--don't confess(this thing that breaks my heart)
we are scientists-- be my baby
vampire weekend-- M79

i like to alphabetize. so you can see what i like to feel in the autumn is serene, collegiate, soft and impossibly idyllic. these are songs i love to listen to all year round, clearly, but they are best appreciated during october the first to usually around february twenty-eighth because we only get a twenty-nineth every four years. this list has been updated every year since grade twelve, even a little bit in grade eleven it began to bud, but will be annual. clearly. sometimes i like to throw in a single christmas song but they never end up making the list.

also, i am really sad that the long blondes broke up. really, really sad indeed.



damien rice-- volcano