dear---
i need space. how far until i cannot reach you? that is how far away i want you to be; more than an arms length and less than the mileage from here to russia. although if you[all] were in russia then i would be sad. are you questioning my motives?
i finished addressing a package to go overseas and it is staring at me. it is mocking me because it knows. it knows how i feel, or don't. it is shaped and stocked and sliced in two in my heart. my heart isn't in anything anymore. i am trying, i really am. i smile at you from across the room, i try to defamiliarize my surroundings and still, what the hell is this i am in? i am the worst at sitting around and doing nothing and making excuses about it. i am like her. i am the worst at complaining about what i don't have when someone wants me and i cringe at that thought.
i lost myself along the way, along that shimmering path to where we are right now. in the mall, there are maps of where you want to go and a "you are here" star to make sure you know where you are. i am in the mall but i do not see a star that points me to where i am or where i want to be. paths are closed off and obstacles that are far too much for me in such a small amount of time. let me see into a year from now and i know where i will be. let me see into tomorrow or next week and i want to crawl underneath my fleecy sheets and cry out for something else. it's white. it's all blank and tiring. this is all tiring. i know you are tired of it and believe me boy and girl i am tired of it too. if there were a hook to pull me up into real, live, lovely life, i would hook it to the cuff of my collar and yell at whoever is up there to pull me out!
i am a scatter-brain with no direction. i am spinning in the same spot like a dreidel and waiting for my sides to hit the ground because inevitably i will fall and hard. i want to take that job in france in the summer, even if i would have to deal with kids, at least i would be away.
little joy--unattainable
