sometimes people tell you things that may not be true and you know this but after it mulls around in your brain for half a second you start to believe that it may have happened. in england marie told me they were looking at me all night and i didn't believe her until i curled up in someone else's bed and, half drunk, said that yes she was right. today i think what i was told didn't happen but i want to believe it happened for the sake of my esteem. why for the sake of my beloved self esteem? why can't i just have a great one and be done with it? because he smiled and when he was too close he moved away. then all of a sudden these thoughts, these stupid thoughts, are mixed up with someone else's optimism for the possibility of you having a romantic life(again) that it all seems to fit. they fit far too easily for my liking.
whatever it is, whatever happened, it is making me productive. it is making me productive and forget the things i know, the things that are, and think, "huh. maybe?'
