things i learned this weekend:

i want my apartment to have high ceilings and have a wide living room/dining room space and an average sized bedroom because that's all i'll ever need.

i don't need to pretend to be a friend to you anymore because we're not and i don't think we ever were-- that summer was one of my stupidest, biggest mistakes to date.

i don't need to pretend to be boring to you because i am not. i am exciting and just because i am not there doesn't mean life isn't happening over here.

i need to stop faking boredom to you.

i know this already but you don't and you need to: stop harassing me about dating people because i am not happy with anything about me so why would i want to put someone through that? just to sacrifice any chance at happiness to maybe not be alone? i'd rather be alone because i am not lonely. (this was for one than one person) i am not you.

i am getting better, i think.

trying to write assignments to professors semi-intoxicated is a bad idea; leaving them until the last minute when the internet kicks out is even worse.

and lastly,

i want to be free of everything i tried to do in the last three years in hopes of becoming some semblance of okay because they all failed and if i keep trying it will still fail. i am swimming to the top to catch my breath and know that it will be okay if i just keep doing everything day by day, little bit by little bit, and it will be all right. i will be all right.

this wasn't as cathartic as it looked.