i am a financial mess. i hate money, i hate dealing with money and i hate what money means to everyone else except me. i hate living from paycheck to paycheck, relying solely on a bursary from school that i haven't even received yet. i should never have left my cushy job at starbucks and went to a shit hole like hmv and be in the situation i am in now. i hate how anxious money makes me feel. i hate its stupid importance and how i need it so badly. sometimes living in a cave seems like a good choice for me. no people, no currency, no one else except little old hermit me. do you remember in the yogi bear christmas special that old hermit guy with the raccoon hat and he was squat, mean and lived in a cave and that little angry boy found him by accident? that's me, the mean hermit with the raccoon hat; or rather, that's how i feel these days.
being busy with school is fine with me, it keeps me occupied for a while longer and i try to think about other crap that isn't my life. this is so whiny i can't even stand it. i know it's whiny and you know it's whiny, we all know i am whining about this stupid little life i seem to have and how i am not doing anything about it. procrastination! no, i can fix it easily and i am starting to. i want to delete my stupid facebook because i don't care about it anymore and what it means (again to everyone else but me). but part of me knows that when i do, there are some people affliated with it that i just won't talk to ever again. my overseas phone bill mocks me because i don't use it anymore and probably won't ever again. i never used it that much anyway.
i don't want to be left in a financial ruin or back to doing things i don't want to do. i have, my entire life up until now, been very firm on the things in life i will not do. things such as talking to my dad ever again, taking the drugs that he used to sell and be addicted to, taking math courses or business courses, all trivial aspects of life but still, i have been very firm on not doing them. getting a job i hate and going to it every day is something i will not do. starbucks gave me financial stability but sucked my soul out everytime i walked into the vestibule and turned the corner to go into the backroom. i can't and won't that anymore.
i had someone i relied on all the time for support and now that i don't have that friendship foundation anymore my entire structure has gone all shakey. it won't fall down, i don't think, but i hate how it shakes and moves and leaves everything feeling unsettled. i don't have a best friend anymore. i have people who are my family now and people i care for more than they will ever know but i do not have a best friend and it hurts mostly because of my own doing. i am a terrible friend and person and i am the harshest about it.
