yesterday while my sister and i were listening to kings of leon aha shake heartbreak (you know, before the stadium tours and the cleaned up sound) i realized that all the things i love in life are not actually in my life. sure i went to see a movie that was hilarious and wildly inappropriate so clearly it was right up my alley and yes i hangout with my friends when i can but what about everything else? i wrote an article for a magazine at school that took me twenty years to get to because i was exhausted from work. from what? i don't actually do anything strenuous, i just sit in a fucking office chair all day long taking notes or working at a computer. how very elementary i am. actively trying to survive in an atmosphere that is not for me is hard on a daily basis. having the ability just to come home and melt into whatever bullshit show is on tv is nice sometimes. it's mediocre and what every other corporate brainwashed mess does but i guess it suits me just fine. just fine, indeed.
what i am missing out on is music and the absorption of new songs, old songs, favourites and ones i will forever love in my day to day life. 'four kicks' was next on the mix and my ears could probably have done with a good bleeding after that because it was so fucking loud. it was great that it was that loud because it knocked some fucking sense into me. i am actively defiant of my new position but, because i am staying for an allotted amount of time, maybe all that bullshit is sinking in somehow and screwing with who i am as a person. i watch movies, listen to music, read books, sleep in until noon, write poetry, stay up late just watching the sky from my bed, take pictures, discuss theological topics and have delicious discussions about my favourite communist leaders and, of course, salivate over fashion on a daily basis. now i sit and get told i am a waste because i am an academic and i should bring that all in with me and of course that automatically means maturity. i get perfect on tests that don't mean anything to me and i just guess on them. i take fucking tests.
