incommunicado. would it be such a bad thing if i just ran away for awhile? not this week, of course, since i would be letting down a whole bunch of folks. but after that, am i really needed? that's just it, isn't it? our insane, or rather my, urges to be needed in some fashion. i know i am needed by some people, sponsoring or monitoring, but the newer ones that really seem to matter don't need me thus the escape plan. i've got it all figured out. oh wait, no i don't. when i think i have it all figured out, months of blissful happiness, i am suddenly thrown against a wall, in the dark and hurt. i am bruised. if only the marks were on my pale skin because then it would feel real, not in my head anymore, and i would stop thinking insane thoughts. the plan isn't figured out either but i suppose that's not a bad thing. being frivolous four years ago was something expected as a youth but as graduation approaches, and ultimately leaving the safety of any educational institution, i am not allowed to be frivolous anymore because i am an adult. i have credit card debt, loans to pay, OSAP, financing moving out, etc. i truly would be happy as herman the hermit sometimes. i would miss everyone and basic hygiene but i would get by. i would get by just fine.
maybe i will take a long soothing bath and pretend that i am herman the hermit. i will let the steam fill up my nose and creep into every pore on my face, relaxing all the tension as the water flows over me. it's sarah vs. the universe and the universe is winning. it's smacking me in the face and laughing. i hate january.
