i wanted to write something essay-like but this is so informal in nature that i just can't even bring myself to do it. last night was one of those really great nights for no real reason. sure i had coffee (re: chai latte. c'mon, it was 7:30!) with one of my greatest friends, thought and talked about new york a whole lot, and came home at 10 PM to do the dishes. the last part wasn't so great. maybe it all felt so great because of the simplicity inherent in these kind of activities. i do wish i were simpler but that is such a stupid thought, i think it should have been kept buried very deep in my mind. disregard the last sentence then. it's seems like the footing i want to finally have is saying, "fuck you, sarah! you should wobble all over the place!" that's not cool. not cool at all. but maybe that's the point: to continuously move throughout this foggy plane called life on a see-saw. up and down. up and down. i remember tellling her that i was actively trying to be moody for years and then when i actually was, it wasn't at all how i figured it would be. it's the struggle i long for. somehow i feel the need to work for the essential things in life (love, sex, career, friends, etc.) and that it needs to hurt, at least a little bit. stream of consciousness it is. i find myself having a staring contest with a photo of a green and purple dinosaur. he is a wallflower. my space is like a fort. it's wholly mine but i barely keep anything recognizeable in it. but really. grounding oneself is never an easy task. if you're not going to fight to keep something around, then maybe it wasn't worth keeping. to be clear: always fighting to keep it close isn't worth it either but if you're passive and not even blinking at how perfectly calm it is, then that's just the way it is perhaps. perhap perhaps perhaps. but you're sliding out of it scott free. seriously. that's the worst part of it all because. but maybe i am not struggling hard enough in the sense that it is just passive action right now and simply longing for the end result. i should have prefaced this all with my happiness. it is sublime. i am too busy for most things right now, which is infuriating, i know, but that is the way it is. although i am bored and quitely panicking about life after august twenty-eleven. but get over it.
really.
