when i went home this weekend it all felt like i had never left. i moved so fluidly through every room and did my normal activities. but when i came back here, for some reason, i sighed a deep sigh of relief. i am materialistic. my stuff is mine and where it is, i feel the safest. it's not the clothes, the shoes, the rings, my kitchen supplies or whatever else i have that i cherish so. my pictures ripped out of magazines six years ago or maps of the soviet union from a national geographic out decades ago are the things i so deeply cherish. my memories are everywhere. i need to be able to see them in some way again for them to truly be real.

i could easily live the life of a hermit. i'm treading so carefully here. i go to and from familiar places and come back light hearted. i'm slowly testing my boundaries. i can't control life or whatever the fuck is going to happen but, in my first little while of being on my own, i'd really like it if nothing terrible happened. please.

of course i get sick and/or have the worst allergies in YEARS, which happens to be TWO DAYS before i go back to school. we use WEBCT. it felt like i never left. i think about my money and how i don't have a job and how leaving a very comfortable job for more debt seems stupid and then i see it. i see the courses, the skills ahead of me, the people i will meet, the career i've wanted for a decade and it all doesn't matter anymore. if i hate it, i hate it. i won't know until i try.

i've made leaps and bounds here. why aren't you around?