there's no point in feeling guilty about your choices or the things that you really want to do, whether or not they have been acted out accordingly. feeling this way allows for you to slip up and fall back into whatever comfortable, ego-boosting situation you find yourself in. i find that when you hit whatever your low is then conditions are right to continue on with whatever your trangressive behaviour is. i keep saying "you" when i should be saying "i" because it is about my trangressive behaviour and my fall far from where i want to be. i guess i don't really want to admit it but i have to. it's all based in selfishness and at a point i think that i deserve it but at what cost? it hurts more than helps. this all makes me think of you and how sweet and seemingly innocent you were to me. you barely touched me for fear of what i might do to you. it seems like a lifetime ago. now you are just a pleasant memory i pull from the back of my mind. you are cobblestones, cathedrals, pints and equations. we are distance.
my mind and body are such a paradox right now. my mind, even after doing yoga, wants to get everything done and so quickly. my body, on the other hand, is slow and relaxed, steadied by the stretches and poses. i have so much to get done but it's not urgent. so i stretch my limbs some more, wrap my blankets tight around my shoulders and watch the icy patterns on my window. i try to calm my loud mind and quiet my surroundings.
sometimes i wonder if you are my stepping stone but for what? i don't want to find out anymore.
