it's my grandmother's birthday today. she is now 70 years old. that does not seem too old to me but what do i know? i know what she is 48 years older than me. she was born in 1940. she wore her hair in curlers and flipped through sears catalogues with my great-aunt diane. they talked about curtains and china patterns they liked, though never bought, and that is how they passed the abundance of time in smalltown, ontario. happy birthday, elsie. i do love you very much.

it's been two years. almost. it's been two years since i saw faces and places that were so familiar to me. even now when i close my eyes i can walk along that cobblestone pathway and find my way. sometimes i try to retrace my steps in my mind about which direction i could have taken, or rather, should have taken. turning right would have taken me to the house with the blue door again. number ten. if i had kept on walking and going straight, past the intersection and swing set, i am sure we would have met right out front of the small, dark alley way. past that spot, going up the massive hill, we would have met windy conditions but i am sure that could never have stopped us. it's all green at the top. i stop, open my eyes and everything is a rich green, vivid like the new leaves of spring, and grey stones rubbed with dirt and grim complete our scene. it was ours, wasn't it? i suppose that remains to be seen. i made such foolish mistakes. these were rash decisions too. i never went with my gut on the matter and did what i thought was right, for everyone else, not for me. i did what i thought would make you the happiest and me, in time, too. two years. almost two years later.

i am waiting for my bedding to dry so i may collapse into my bed and have the greatest sleep of my life. why is it so hard lately to get up and start a productive day? i am so over this whole school thing and am ready to leave. june 9th, are you here yet? can i start my other life?