i always feel like i write best when i am soothed, almost to the point of sleep. my eyelids are heavy and flutter up and down in anticipation that they will close, sending signals to all my neurons or synapses in my brain to let me dream. i never got very far in biopsychology but it sounds pretty neat that i ever learned it.

an education.
what can i say about such a lovely film? it made me feel all warm and idealistic, as if i were still romantic in some way. i think education both intensifies and squashes romantic feelings. i was never more romantic than when i was sixteen. but then again, i was sixteen. academics allows for one to explore the evolution of romance and love but we read it again and again until every syllable is accounted for in meaning, depth and connotation. but it's love. school can never really get rid of such lofty feelings and ideas.

i have red(ish) hair. it's beautifully ginger right on my crown and flows out into a deep, dark bloody red to the tips. it's both vibrant and muted. my eyebrows are cleanly groomed and shaped whilst being almost hidden under longer and thicker bangs (re: fringe). i wear blueish grey eyeshadow now and have a new quad packet entitled "stardust" ready to be used. i need new makeup brushes for that one. you can see my eyes. enhance it, don't hide it. i hide it all. i wonder what you would say about me now if you saw me. would say, well, it's you with different, semi-okay hair. or would you stop and really look at me. i mean really, truly stare into whatever you think is in front of you and try to find the meaning behind your perplexity. it's stirring up inside of you.

we used to see emo kids running in and out of our shoppe. because it was ours, wasn't it? they wore tegan and sara shirts, stretchers and thinly cropped, jagged hairstyles. they flounced around king with pink drink containers and the biggest laughs they could muster. now they work at h&m, judge harshly and barely blink at what, no, who they used to be. we all grew out of it.

if i said i missed them all you wouldn't believe me. i am the shittiest person sometimes. the last four years have been a blur of bitch and circumstance. there was no need for me to do the things i did but i did them. i gained twenty pounds then lost it. i had bad hair, bad clothes, bad face, bad everything. i hit my own academic rock bottom and found myself missing our solitary congregations around limey green lockers. those cement floors. i hugged you today in a mall that is so drastically different. we have known each other for almost eight years. where in the hell did that come from? and now i am sitting on this bed. this twin bed with newer sheets and pillows and a laptop atop it instead my own person at my desk typing away. my eyes want to close and they are winning the battle. i spoke no coherency then and i certainly don't now but i was so passionate about my incoherent thoughts. they were right. are we still ultra slick and cool? you'll have to tell me someday.