i had a really morbid thought on my walk home from the bus today. the lightest, fluffiest snow fell to the ground as i listened to the iron and wine cover of postal services' "such great heights" and i thought about how, if i should die in a freak accident, it would be behind the shoppers a mere four minute walk from my house. everytime i walk that way as of late i clench my fists and hold my breath in preparation for the inevitable. whether it be a zooming car not looking before "stopping" to get onto the main street or me hiking the poorly mapped pathway up the hill-- to shave a minute or two off my walk -- that results in me tumbling to my death, i am doomed. it's odd how that is the way i picture myself dying in this city. i don't think it will actually come about but if it does, i am prepared. i love you all.

i have to fight the urge to sleep because, though do i have to get up thirty minutes earlier tomorrow to take the bus to work, going to bed at 8:20 is just insane. insane and cements in the fact that my life truly is a joke of epic proportions whoever is up there, or may be up there since i don't really believe in you, knows how to pull a wicked prank. and by wicked, i mean awful. it's so easy to shrug off responsibility on some vague idea that has been around for a millenia or so but that isn't my style. own up to it. you fucked up big time, girl. you fucked up what you wanted. and for what? the future.