there is a girl on my shirt suggestively eating a banana. oh lolita. best twenty-five dollars i spent on a shirt. my knees are so bruised. my own doing. i fell up the stairs in a hungover haze on only four-ish hours of sleep and now my chest, shins, knees, elbow and possibly my dignity hurt real bad. i better have some gnarly ass bruises on my right leg for this.

i thought about what happened a year ago this week and then it me hit that it was a year ago this week that shit happened. where the fuck did the time go?! a lot has happened in a year, oh gosh it has, but it feels like a blurry blip! we finally, finally parted ways this week. i think i am in this supremely apathetic state that i should probably shake before keg makes her transatlantic journey. that isn't appealing. who do i appeal to? no one, really.

i am feeling very trapped for some reason. it's kind of pissing me off beyong belief. i dreamt about it during my second sleep this morning and woke up in quite a state. i think i held onto whatever it was we had for so long for the sake of, oh i don't now, familiarity but what you did only mere moments ago was kind of terrible. not kind of. it was. it was really mean and judgemental. thank you for that, now toodle-oo! this town, man. eight more months. here's hoping i go to school. maybe? college isn't as prestigious as grad school but, let's be honest, what prestige do we have in this country? u of t, you'll never be fucking harvard so get over it. i am in such a state! i swear, i haven't been like this all day. i wrapped presents, for christ's sake! in about thirty minutes i am going to slip into my childhood and watch santa claus is comin' to town. clause. grammar. grade nine. mr. goddamn marshall. clause. this week.

christmas is the only commerical holiday i adore in all its capitalist, ridiculous ways. stability was never something i truly knew as a child, even as a teenager and an adult it's shaky, but christmas was always just family time. after my dad left it turned into the three of us and for two days it is just us. no bickering, no fights, no one left out, it is just us. two whole days. that's all i ask for. it's the one time of the year i can look back fondly on my childhood and get all mushy, soft and wax nostalgic over claymation movies, yogi bear and herman the hermit. now with new(er) traditions with my created family, this week is that much more special to me. now it's three days and the third day we drink, eat delicious food and talk about growing old, the eight of us, and how we'll always just be together.