i got really twitchy last night. i wore a night gown, my hair in rollers and i sang into my hairbrush. i felt like a 1950s cliche. well, i was singing super loudly to kate nash. i sang to myself as i looked into my mirror, which i haven't packed yet and probably should when i get home today. i was, indeed, packing. my pajamas were covered in dust as i peeled posters, pictures, postcards and other such memorabilia off of my walls. they were the last thing to be taken down. it felt really real then. those walls are who i am. now my floor is cluttered with boxes, packing tape, sharpies and various other little things i forgot to pack. the relatives will arrive tonight, pack everything in a big ol' truck and tomorrow i'll send my stuff to toronto. i won't see it again until next weekend.

i'm excited. this is a very excitable time! a few days ago i was morose and lulled back into this dark place of sadness because i won't be seeing all my familiars anymore on a daily basis. i see the streets of this town in my mind the moment i close my eyes. i'll be able to do that in time in toronto but it felt so daunting. six years ago you couldn't stop me from wanting to leave here. i was determined. now i am comfortable, but not settling, with this place. will i be back here in a permanent way? who knows. i love my mother and sister dearly so i don't know how long i can be separated from them. but new york calls, moscow, london and so does los angeles.

where did the summer go? stuff happened that has been eclipsed by the accident and moving. i held all of these moments in my hand but in a moment they went POOF and now they are gone.

the leaves are turning colours, the work is winding down and all have is a week. a full week.