so, i almost died. but that's old news now i suppose. i'm walking around, talking, thinking horrible thoughts (okay, a few are dirty AND delicious), packing and generally existing. so it couldn't have been that bad, right? hardly but why dwell on it. instead i'm packing up this existence and moving it to another place.
moving is such a daunting task. insane emotionall cycles and having to deal with adult shit just do not mix. i wish someone had warned me. i won't lie: a good part of the emotional roller coaster of my life has to do with the car accident so maybe i'm extra sensitive when i run across old scripts of plays i was in or my university acceptance letters or notes from high school crushes as i pack up this existence of mine while i still have it. but setting up cable and dealing with osap and the national student loan place are just asshole adult activities that, in this state of heightened emotional stress, are just fucking ridiculous to me right now. so i rant. i rant and look at the walls in my room. i dread peeling all of those posters, set lists, maps and pieces of memorabilia from my lavender walls. i don't want to see the awful things i wrote on the back of my door in black sharpie when i was sixteen, angry and such an idiot. don't get me wrong, i still idealize that carefree naivety and all the love i felt but when i was dark, fuck, i was an idiot. what did i have to be sad about? that brendan arnott didn't like me back or that my sort of high school boyfriend tom was a douchebag? those are all tucked away in the back of my mind normally but now they are bubbling up to the surface as i tape small boxes from lowe's.
sixteen year-old me is so angry at twenty-two year old me. she's all "WHY, MAN? WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE?" the thing i didn't get then is that i can't be the same forever, no matter how hard i try.
but i'm leaving. finally leaving and starting (somewhat) over. no one knows me there besides my landlord. okay, lies. i have buckets of amazing friends in toronto but truly no else really knows me. the city has so much potential. why squander it now? i have the gut feeling that this needs to happen no matter the outcome.
the one thing i've learned from that dreadful almost dying situation is that i never want to die in a car accident. ever. and i just got my g1 again.
