Saturday, December 13, 2008

something's wrong when you regret things that haven't happened yet

i had this massively huge breakdown before my check-up at the oral surgeon's office on thursday. it was in no way related to said check-up it just happened to occur at a really inopportune time when i would have rather curled up at home instead of gone out. but that massive breakdown has passed and the feelings are simmering instead of boiling because i've got bigger fish to fry for the next while: christmas. normally, aside from any retail angst against the holiday, i am totally for christmas. this year, however, i am not feeling it. is it because of this giant rut i am in? possibly? is it because everyone is talking about stuff to specific people but not bringing the issue forward to each other? possibly. i am so frustrated with everything that has been going on for the past four months. life is in decline and we have no one to blame but ourselves. i have been known for the occasional whining about how awful my life is and just sit there but proactivity now would just seem folly in the face of unwarranted danger. when put in a spot that is neither here nor the spot you really want to be in, one gets really rather wistful. i wish it could be different and things could calm the fuck down so it doesn't get personal just fixed but it won't. not now at least.

the fucked up thing about it is, even with a myriad of friendship groups, this is happening in all of them. what does that say about us then?

currently listening to: the morning benders--wanna be like you